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Funny Quotes

Browse our collection of Funny quotes and sayings. Share Funny quotes with friends and family.

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Funny Quotes & Sayings

funny-If you ever drop your

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone.
- Jack Handy

funny-Money couldn't buy you friends,

Money couldn't buy you friends, but you get a better class of enemy.
- Spike Milligan

funny-I don't care to belong

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
- Groucho Marx

funny-The universe is a big

The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest.
- Kilgore Trout

funny-Everywhere is within walking distance

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
- Steven Wright

funny-I'm desperately trying to figure

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
- Dave Edison

funny-Arrogant and right is surely

Arrogant and right is surely better than humble and wrong.
- Geoff Arbuthnot

funny-The pen is mightier than

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.
- Marty Feldman

funny-A successful man is one

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
- Lana Turner

funny-Have you ever noticed? Anybody

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
- George Carlin

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