Quotes

It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
-Woody Allen

If you don't fail now and again, it's a sign you're playing it safe.
-Woody Allen

I remember when I was a little boy, I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in Braille. I used to rub the dirty parts.
-Woody Allen

A lot of things have happened in my private life recently that I thought we could review tonight.
-Woody Allen

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.
-Woody Allen

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam, I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.
-Woody Allen

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
-Woody Allen

I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.
-Woody Allen

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
-Woody Allen

Eighty percent of success is showing up.
-Woody Allen

I have also reviewed my own financial obligations, which have puffed up recently like a hammered thumb.
-Woody Allen

As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree"-probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
-Woody Allen

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?.
-Woody Allen

If you don't fail now and again, it's a sign you're playing it safe.
-Woody Allen

Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime.
-Woody Allen

What do I dislike about death? Must be the hours.
-Woody Allen

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
-Woody Allen

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. The horrible are the cancer patients and the terminal cases... the miserable is everyone else. So, be thankful that you're miserable.
-Woody Allen

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?.
-Woody Allen

I'm not a drinker - my body will not tolerate spirits. I had two Martinis on New Year's Eve and I tried to hijack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.
-Woody Allen

The lion and the calf will lay down together, but the calf won't get much sleep..
-Woody Allen

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve it by not dying!
-Woody Allen

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
-Woody Allen

We would often be sorry if our wishes were gratified.
-Woody Allen

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
-Woody Allen

Talent is luck. The important thing in life is courage.
-Woody Allen

Where I grew up... in Brooklyn, nobody committed suicide... you know, everyone was too unhappy.
-Woody Allen

I was a nervous child, I was a bedwetter. I used to sleep with an electric blanket and I was constantly electrocuting myself.
-Woody Allen

Between the Pope and air conditioning, I'd choose air conditioning.
-Woody Allen

How to make God laugh, Tell him your future plans.
-Woody Allen

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
-Woody Allen

I was supremely confident my flair for atmosphere and characterization would sparkle alongside the numbing mulch ground out by studio hacks. Certainly the space atop my mantel might be better festooned by a gold statuette than by the plastic dipping bird that now bobbed there ad infinitum.
-Woody Allen

The only way to be happy is to love to suffer.
-Woody Allen