Quotes

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
-Steven Wright

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
-Steven Wright

If God dropped acid, would he see people?
-Steven Wright

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
-Steven Wright

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
-Steven Wright

I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
-Steven Wright

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
-Steven Wright

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
-Steven Wright

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
-Steven Wright

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back? Steven Wright
-Steven Wright

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
-Steven Wright

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.
-Steven Wright

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
-Steven Wright

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
-Steven Wright

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
-Steven Wright