Quotes

Chris: Hey, little dude, you want some ice cream?Stewie: Yes, but no sprinkles. For every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you.
-Anonymous Author

Stewie: What the hell is this?Lois: Sweetie, that's tuna salad.Stewie: Oh, is that what it is? Really? Because I could have sworn it was mayonnaise and cat food.
-Anonymous Author

Oh, forgive me for not being one of those anorexic babies from the diaper commercials.
-Stewie Griffin

I think the lesson here is, it really doesn't matter where you're from, as long as we're all the same religion.
-Peter Griffin

Hey Bartender! Whose leg do I have to hump to get a dry martini around here?
-Brian Griffin

Uh, there's a half-dead-fat-man eating a dead-fat-man... am I the only one who realized? Oh, okay...
-Stewie Griffin

There's always been a lot of tension between Lois and me, and it's not so much that I want to kill her, it's just, I want her not to be alive anymore.
-Stewie Griffin

Kevin: Dad, the fish got away.Joe Swanson: The hell it did. You get in there and you kick that fish's ass.
-Anonymous Author

Brian Griffin: Ah, if my memory serves me, this is the physics department.Chris Griffin: That would explain all the gravity.
-Anonymous Author

Oh, let me guess. Another box with a crank that I turn and turn and turn until... whoo... a clown pops out. Then you laugh, the kids laugh, the dog laughs, and I die a little more inside.
-Stewie Griffin

I love God. He's so deliciously evil.
-Stewie Griffin

And Joe, I've had new neighbors before, but none of them were half the man you are. Since you're half a man already, that splits them into some kind of fraction I can't even measure.
-Peter Griffin

Sorry Meg. Daddy loves ya, but Daddy also loves Star Trek, and in all fairness, Star Trek was here first.
-Peter Griffin

Ha ha. Oh, this is so good it just HAS to be fattening.
-Stewie Griffin

Holy crip, he's a crapple.
-Peter Griffin

Tonight there's a new reality show on Fox: 'Fast Animals, Slow Children.'
-Peter Griffin

Brian: You're drunk.Stewie: You're sexy.
-Anonymous Author

You got anything on that remote lower than Mute?
-Brian Griffin

Bill Cosby: Stewie, what do you think candy is made out of?Stewie Griffin: Sunshine and farts! What the hell kind of question is that?
-Anonymous Author

Li: Stewie, come complete our rainbow.Stewie Griffin: I've got a better idea. Let's go play 'swallow the stuff under the sink.'
-Anonymous Author

The outrages I have suffered today will not be soon forgotten!
-Stewie Griffin

Brothers and sisters fighting is as natural as a white man's dialogue in a Spike Lee movie.
-Peter Griffin

Hey, Mother! I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint: it's in my diaper, and it's not a toaster.
-Stewie Griffin

Did you forge my name? How dare you! Is this backwards 'S' supposed to be cute? I'm going to crap double for you tonight.
-Stewie Griffin

Damn you vile woman, you've impeded my work since the day I escaped your vile womb.
-Stewie Griffin

Look Lois, the two symbols of the Republican Party: an elephant, and a big fat white guy who is threatened by change.
-Peter Griffin

What's this? Blueberries! Oh, oh my G... Oh, that's better than sex!
-Stewie Griffin

Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but you're a total bitch.
-Stewie Griffin

[Stewie picking his nose.]Stewie: Do I not disgust you?Brian: Kid you're looking at someone who uses his tongue to clean his privates.
-Anonymous Author

You. Fetch me my copy of the Wall Street Journal. You two, fight to the death.
-Stewie Griffin

Now, I know you're a feminist, and I think that's adorable, but this is grown-up time and I'm the man.
-Peter Griffin

Oh! I feel so delightfully white trash! Mummy, I want a mullet!
-Stewie Griffin

Lois Griffin: Peter, Stewie peed on the carpet again.Peter Griffin: Do... do I rub his nose in it?
-Anonymous Author

You know, I rather like this God fellow. He's very theatrical. A little pestilence here, a plague there. Omnipotence, got to get me some of that.
-Stewie Griffin

I had such a crush on her. Until I met you, Lois. You're my silver medal.
-Peter Griffin

Isn't it funny how they say - life is like a box of chocolates? Well in your case, dear mother, life is like a box of active grenades!
-Stewie Griffin

I'm so hungry I could ride a horse. I don't get it. Well, I could ride it to the store, I guess.
-Chris Griffin

Lois Griffin: Peter. You're bribing your daughter with a car?Peter Griffin: Ah, c'mon, Lois, isn't bribe just another word for love?
-Anonymous Author

Did you hear that Meg? Guys can marry other guys now. So... this is awkward, but I mean, if they can do that, that is pretty much it for you, isn't it? I mean you as well pack it in. Game over.
-Stewie Griffin

Lois: You're drunk again.Peter: No, I'm just exhausted 'cause I've been up all night drinking.
-Anonymous Author

Brian: Why don't you shut up for about a week?Stewie: Very well, what are the stakes if I win?Brian: I wasn't making a bet. Why don't you just shut up for about a week?
-Anonymous Author

The government is here! Run, E.T.! Run!
-Chris Griffin

Chris Griffin: I don't have to listen to you! You're a dog! You don't have a soul!
-Brian Griffin: Ouch!

Make sure there's a fresh copy of Wall Street Journal next to the changing table.
-Stewie Griffin