Phil Wenneck: Whose f***ing baby is that?
Stu Price: Alan, are you sure you didn't see anyone else in the suite?
Alan Garner: Yeah, I checked all the rooms... no one's there. Check its collar or something.
Black Doug: I always wondered why they were called roofies. Cause you're more likely to end up on the floor than the roof. They should call em floories.
Alan Garner: Or rapies.
Phil Wenneck: [His answering machine message] Hey, this is Phil. Leave me a message, or don't, but do me a favor: don't text me, it's gay.
Alan Garner: Tigers love pepper... they hate cinnamon.
Phil Wenneck: Would you please put some pants on? I feel weird having to ask you twice.
Alan Garner: It would be so cool if I could breast-feed.
Phil Wenneck: [While driving a squad car on the sidewalk and using the loudspeaker] Ma'am, in the leopard dress, you have an incredible rack.
Phil Wenneck: [To himself] I should have been a f***ing cop.
Mr. Chow: [As Mr. Chow closes his car window slowly, his head trails the closing gap] Toodooloo mother f***ers!
Alan Garner: Godzilla destroys cities! I hate him too!
Alan Garner: I'm on your side! I hate Godzilla! He destroys cities! I hate Godzilla!
Alan Garner: Oh, you know what? Next week's no good for me... The Jonas Brothers are in town. But any week after that, it's totally fine.
Alan Garner: But Doc, none of us remember anything from last night. Remember?
Mr. Chow: Its funny because he's fat!
Sid Garner: Don't let Alan drive, because there's something wrong with him.
Doug Billings: Understood.
Sid Garner: Oh, and Phil either. I don't like him.
Doug Billings: Tracy did mention we shouldn't let him gamble. Or drink too much.
Phil Wenneck: Jesus, he's like a gremlin. Comes with instructions and shit.
Stu Price: I look like a nerdy hillbilly!
Stu Price: Ew! Alan, did you just eat sofa pizza?
Alan Garner: Yes.
Phil Wenneck: f***, I keep forgetting about the goddamn tiger!
Alan Garner: It's got, ah, Ted Danson and Magnum P.I. and that Jewish actor...
Stu Price: Here's something I would like to remind you two of: our best friend Doug is probably face down in a ditch right now with a meth head butt-f***ing his corpse!
Alan Garner: That's highly unlikely.
Woman in Elevator: Oh, how cute! What's his name?
Phil Wenneck: Ben.
Alan Garner: Carlos.
Stu Price: He was a bartender, and he didn't even come inside her.
Phil Wenneck: And you believe that?
Stu Price: Uh yeah, because she's grossed out by semen!
Alan Garner: Hey, does my hair look cool like Phil's?
Phil Wenneck: God damn it!
Alan Garner: Gosh darn it!
Phil Wenneck: Shit!
Alan Garner: Shoot!
Mike Tyson: Who does shit like that?
Stu Price: We don't want to call attention to ourselves!
Phil Wenneck: [While driving a squad car on the sidewalk and using the loudspeaker] Attention! Attention!
Black Doug: Hey man I can be your Doug!
Stu Price: You are literally too stupid to insult.
Alan Garner: Thank you.
Stu Price: Don't let the beard fool you. He's a child!
Alan Garner: [Repeatedly singing] And we're the three best friends that anyone could have!
Alan Garner: [After learning the hotel room they had reserved only had 2 beds] Two beds is enough, we can share for a night. I'll bunk with Phil. That cool with you?
Phil Wenneck: No.
Alan Garner: ...I'm a steel trap. Whatever happens tonight, i won't ever ever speak a word of it. Seriously. I don't care what happens. I don't care if we kill someone.
Stu Price: Why don't we remember a God damn thing from last night?
Phil Wenneck: Obviously because we had a great f***ing time.
Stu Price: That's my grandma's ring. She made it all the way through the holocaust with that thing. It's legit.
Alan Garner: Hey you guys ready to let the dogs out?
Alan Garner: Ha ha! Drivin' drunk. Classic.
Stu Price: We're in a stolen cop car with what is sure to be a missing child in the back. What part of this is cool?
Alan Garner: I think the cop car part's pretty cool.
Phil Wenneck: Thank you Alan!
Alan Garner: There's a jungle cat in the bathroom!
Phil Wenneck: [Phil walks into the bathroom, then hurries out] Holy f*** he's not kidding. There's a tiger in the bathroom!
Stu Price: She's got my grandmother's Holocaust ring!
Alan Garner: I didn't know they gave out rings at the Holocaust.
Phil Wenneck: The best little chapel... Hey doc, do you know the address of that place?
Dr. Valsh: Oh, you know, I do know the address. It's at the corner of go f*** yourself and buy a map!
Stu Price: [To crying baby beside him in back seat] No, don't cry, it's okay, everything's fine, don't cry... [Screaming to the other guys in the front seat]
Stu Price: What the f*** is going on?
Stu Price: You are literally too stupid to insult.
Alan Garner: Thank you.
Doug Billings: He was a bartender, and he didn't even come inside her
Stu Price: That's a good thing, she's afraid of semen.
Sid Garner: Now remember, what happens in Vegas stays, in Vegas. Except herpes, that shit will come back with you.
Alan Garner: I have a question. You probably get this a lot, but this isn't the real Caesar's Palace, is it?
Stu Price: Ew! Alan, did you just eat sofa pizza?
Alan Garner: Yes.
Doug Billings: Tracy did mention we shouldn't let him gamble. Or drink too much.
Phil Wenneck: Jesus, he's like a gremlin. Comes with instructions and shit.
Phil Wenneck: We'll deal with the baby later.
Stu Price: Phil, we're not gonna leave the baby in the room, there's a f***ing tiger in the bathroom!
