Funny Quotes

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone.
- Jack Handy

Money couldn't buy you friends, but you get a better class of enemy.
- Spike Milligan

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
- Groucho Marx

The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest.
- Kilgore Trout

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
- Steven Wright

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
- Dave Edison

Arrogant and right is surely better than humble and wrong.
- Geoff Arbuthnot

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.
- Marty Feldman

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
- Lana Turner

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
- George Carlin