J.D.: Go ahead, insult me like you always do.
Janitor: Too easy. When you least expect it...
Carla: Why does he keep going back to her?
Turk: I don't know. Why do people keep marrying Larry King? The man looks like a frog.
Janitor: Some hooligan keeps disconnecting the alarm. I told Security to look into it. But no, no, they'd rather catch the guy who's stealing organs from the transplant ward.
Elliot: Sir, my father cut me off...
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid, this is not 'Bring Your Problems to Work' Day. This is just 'Work' Day.
Turk: This is the reason why your headache didn't go away: That's actually pronounced analgesic, not anal-gesic. Sir, the pills go in your mouth.
Turk: How can you make love to your wife if she's at fat camp?
Dr. Kelso: The real question is: how can I make love to her when she's *not* at fat camp?
Dr. Kelso: Fat camp. Six years she's been going there, and the only thing getting any thinner is my wallet!
J.D.: You see, surgical and medical interns are kinda like two rival gangs. Not real gangs, more like those cheesy gangs you see in Broadway musicals.
Carla: Elliot, you know how they say, 'No one will ever love you until you learn to love yourself?'
Elliot: My mother used to say, 'No one will ever love you.'
Dr. Kelso: Do you want me to order you a clown?
J.D.: A drunk clown hurt me once.
Turk: It sounds like you're asking me out on a man date.
J.D.: Turk, why are you so afraid of loving me?
Turk: He was up all night with a high fever, cramping and crying.
J.D.: Dude!
Turk: Oh, my bad. Not crying, punching the wall all manly and angry like, you know what I mean?
J.D.: Ooh, Dr. Cox, can I ask you something?
Dr. Cox: The answer is yes, it was me who saw you doing leg lifts in the gym on that inflatable ball. It was quite the display of girl power.
J.D.: [Voice-over] One thing I've learned is to never play Operation against a surgeon for money.
Turk: Eight seconds! Is that a new record, baby?
Carla: That depends, what are we talking about?
Turk: [Voice-over] It's weird. Just by the simple act of pushing me to do the right thing, I remembered why Carla's the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with.
Janitor: [Over PA] Dr. Dorian, Dr. Turk is free for his rectal exam. He said you'd know what that means.
Chris Turk: I don't understand it. This wedding is supposed to be about us - how come I can't be comfortable?
Carla: And I don't know how many times I have to tell you that you are not wearing sweats!
Elliot: Hm! Can't believe Chuck gave up stripping to become a city councilman!
Carla: Same job, different outfit.
Chris Turk: Dude, with Danni you just gotta keep your eyes on the prize. Focus in on how great it is to be single! Chasing tail! Hell, I miss it every day.
Carla: Oh, you don't care if you ever have sex again, do you?
Elliot: What are you doing in here?
Janitor: It's... the men's room.
Elliot: I know! I mean, it's not like I thought those were some kind of new female urinals, and then... tried them, and found them... oddly comfortable...
Carla: [To Nurse Roberts] How's he doing?
Nurse Roberts: The boy's got no biscuits.
Jordan: Look, I've seen your type before. You're that girl that convinced herself she wanted to lose her virginity at a frat party while another guy was asleep in the room.
Elliot: Chas really cared for me.
Todd: Dr. Wen threatened to sew my butt cheeks together.
Chris Turk: And yet you continue to eat chili.
Todd: Dude I'm takin' the cheese off.
Elliot: Well isn't that just the pickle on the giant crap sandwich that is my day.
J.D.: [J.D. looks over at Doug, all smiles, who's dialing the phone on the desk] What are you doing?
Doug: [Excited] I'm calling my dad!
J.D.: Elliot, come on, I have never heard a woman make sounds like 'that'.
Elliot: [Smiling] Oh, I'm sure 'you' haven't.
Chris Turk: [Laughing] See, it's funny because you never really satisfied a woman!
Carla: [Sing-song] You still like her.
Dr. Cox: Why, because we had a conversation in an empty room?
Carla: That room's not empty.
J.D.: [Thinking] Then he said something I never expected to hear.
Janitor: I don't like you.
J.D.: [Thinking] Not that I totally expected that.
Nurse: Did somebody here buzz for a nurse?
Elliot: No.
Nurse: [Looking at the patient] It looks like his eyes are screaming...
Dr. Cox: She's the devil, Newbie. Don't look in her eyes, she might steal your soul.
Jordan: I don't dislike you, I nothing you.
J.D.: That's special.
Elliot: Come on, what's the worst that could happen?
J.D.: We could die.
Dr. Cox: Who're you?
Janitor: Just a man with a saw.
Dr. Cox: Yo, girl's name!
J.D.: What?
Dr. Cox: Gimme a break, Ellen, I got a lot on my mind, and look at that, I bounced back.
J.D.: You know, when you stop being frightened, time really is on your side. And you can just go on being you.
Dr. Kelso: Buzzy, buzz, buzz...
Dr. Cox: I... beg your pardon?
Dr. Kelso: Oh, uh, that's the sound of all the bees in your bonnet. And, Perry, even though I could give a rat's ass, I still think it's a pretty sound!
Chris Turk: Let's play Steak.
J.D.: What?
Chris Turk: Steak. The first person to finish their steak is the winner of Steak.
Janitor: Hey, Idiot. [J.D. turns around]
Janitor: Heh. I said idiot and you turned around.
J.D.: It's hard to take positive steps, when you've burned the bridge you got to walk across.
J.D.: [Thinks] This is bad. I got to stop this. I got to say something. [Out loud]
J.D.: Banana Hammock.
Todd: [To J.D., about Elliot] So, what are her breasts like?
Elliot: Todd, I'm right here.
Todd: Oh, sorry... So, what are your breast like?
Chris Turk: I know it wasn't you last night. Look I'm not proud of this but I can pick your puff and stuff out of a line-up
J.D.: He changed since the last time you saw him. He got a haircut.
J.D.: Dr. Kelso. The doc here has been telling me that you have some great stories. I wouldn't mind hearing one sometime.
Dr. Kelso: Oh what the hell. Back in '68 I don't like you. The end.
Todd: I have to go, there's a breast reduction on the fourth floor... I'm gonna go try and stop it.
J.D.: Time to take the GR off my Gratitude and give that old bastard some Attitude, J.D. style. [Walks off]
Carla: His office is that way.
J.D.: Yeah, I have to throw up first.
Dr. Cox: Shower shorts, newbie?
J.D.: For the man who has nothing to hide, but still wants to.
Elliot: I heard you're telling everyone I violated you.
J.D.: Not everyone. Just the people that work here. Oh, and my parents.
Elliot: Mr. Bragen, it is so great to see you back in the hospital.
Mr. Bragen: Woo-hoo. I've got a tube in my penis.
Dr. Cox: Hey, Betty. Hey, Wilma. Oh, what the hell, you're only forty minutes late. Do I... do I smell beer?
J.D.: Uh, we... we, uh, we had a few.
Dr. Cox: Newsflash, you can't drink and then come to work. You're not airline pilots.
Dr. Kelso: Hey Ace, your TTP patient coded, I pronounced it.
J.D.: He died?
Dr. Kelso: I certainly hope so otherwise that autopsy is going to be a bitch.
Dr. Cox: No matter where you go in life, always keep an eye out for Johnny, the tackling Alzheimer's patient.
J.D.: Now what's that supposed to mean?
Chris Turk: This guy needs brain work, this guy needs a heart...
J.D.: This one needs courage.
Chris Turk: Helping or hurting, JD? Helping or hurting?
Elliot: Position one, two or three?
J.D.: We only had two.
Elliot: Oh yeah. Then I have to show you something later.
